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October 24, 2009

Luddee: Mr.Anthony Randsonhauss, you are a Nobel prize winning traffic manager and you have earned the recognition of 37 governments around the world as the best of the best. Could you share your philosophy with us so that we may all benefit from your genius?

Mr.Randsonhauss: Certainly! First let me tell you that my “philosophy” is rooted in realism and is hence it is more appropriate to call it “applicable thinking”-  in a very direct sense, if you will. For example let’s take my favorite subject, traffic. Certain domineering powers have created gray colored, ugly looking, limiting pathways that direct – no, CONTROL – our travel.

Luddee: You mean roads?

Mr.Randsonhauss: YES! Precisely my dear, precisely! Now you are getting it. Do you notice how you are forced to travel along these cruel pathways like lab rats in a maze? They are controlling you my dear! CONTROLLING!

Luddee: Uhm… but they are a path to where I need to go. How is this control?

Mr.Randsonhauss: Oh my, how naive you are! When you need to get to work, what kind of a route do you take? You have to make left turns and right turns and stop when they tell you to and go only when they say it’s okay. This is neither morally justifiable – this… coercion – nor is it an efficient traffic system. If these domineering powers let us live our lives freely as is our natural born human right, we could go STRAIGHT to our destination without wasting our time and money. That is the efficiency I’m talking about, my dear! In fact by my calculation the world can cut its energy usage in HALF over night if these malicious and coercive regulations are eradicated!

Luddee: You’re talking about people driving in all kinds of directions at the same time, without roads or traffic lights!!! Won’t that cause accidents!?

Mr.Randsonhauss: Oh ho ho ho… my dear, please try not to be so naive. Would you drive straight in to a bus if you saw it in front of you?

Luddee: No…

Mr.Randsonhauss: Of course not! You’re a rational person. Rational people don’t cause themselves harm. In fact, everyone will be more careful since they don’t want to get in to accidents. Therefore we won’t need any regulations! Rationality will inherently regulate how we drive! Rationality will drive our driving! *snort*

Luddee: But not everyone can cope in such a system!

Mr.Randsonhauss: Yes, the invisible hand of the traffic will take care of those who can not deal with it. Which means only the best will remain, thus dramatically reducing the chances of accidents and even insurance costs over time. Think about it, this is a self regulating, automagically self-improving system. That is the height of efficiency!

Luddee: I’m not buying this.

Mr.Randsonhauss: Don’t be such a reactionary. What gives you the right to infringe on MY right of way? I want to make a bee-line to my work and save money and time… why should I BE STUCK IN TRAFFIC EVERY MORNING!?

Luddee: Because that… uhm… I really don’t have an argument except to say that the worst of our drivers deserve the ability to travel just like the more skilled.

Mr.Randsonhauss: But you know that brings everyone else down. If someone has the skill to survive in a free-traffic system, why should their ability be restricted because of poor drivers? And anyways, charitable people like yourself can do a better job teaching them when to stop or go instead of invasive traffic lights.

Luddee: You’re a moron.

Mr.Randsonhauss: No, YOU! You may not agree with me but we have started teaching this system in universities across the nation and institutions like Car And Traffic Organization (CATO) are working hard to bring this change. We also have our themed novels and student organizations opening young people’s eyes every day. Listen to me, free your mind!


From → Essays

  1. Mr. Tambourine Man permalink

    haha Brilliant! Loved the reference to CATO.

  2. aliarqam permalink

    hilarious one

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