Luddee: Mugambo Mutilli, you are a retired warlord, a distant relative of Robert Mugabe and are in the United States of America because you have been granted political asylum in return for your cooperation with the U.S. government. You are a very authoritarian figure like your genocidal relative, Robert Mugabe, but you say you have recently embraced the principles of liberty?
Mugambo Mutilli:Yes, but when I first come here, I have many pollums.
Nadhi: What problems?
Mugambo Mutilli: In my country, 5 yeah old boy, he put AK-47 on my head. He look me in my eye and he curse my faddah! MY Faddah, who DIE for his land! And hear in dis land, your peepul worry is TOO MUCH CORN SYRUP IN DA FOOD! At fust I say DEESAA-YO POLLUMS!? But den, later, I see dis country is good.
Luddee: What changed your mind?
Mugambo Mutilli: Freedom of spich.
Nadhi: Wow, but you were a kind of dictator yourself. Why the sudden appreciation of freedom of speech?
Mugambo Mutilli: At fust I don’ get it. I ask myself, how your king make benefit of freedom of spich? I tink and I tink and I tink and den I realize! What do you need to have freedom of spich!?
Luddee: The ability to express your thoughts?
Mugambo Mutilli: Even simple – you need peepul. No peepul, no free speech, no?
Nadhi: Makes sense to me.
Mugambo Mutilli: Okay. Den what else you need?
Luddee: Speech itself?
Mugambo Mutilli: YAH! And den how your ruler make benefit?
Nadhi: No clue.
Mugambo Mutilli: Simple – ruler get money from corporation, so he call corporation “peepul” and call money – “spich” and BOOM! Freedom of spich is freedom to give lotsa monies to ruler! Very clever, no? Dat is why USA powerful – is not Abrams Tank, but because of tink tanks.
Luddee: Er, I don’t think you quite understood our First Amendment. Freedom of speech means the people are free to say whatever they want without fear of government oppression.
Mugambo Mutilli: Ho ho! What foolish. I once say to my peepul, I say, hey you peepul! You say what you want, when you want, but when you say it, know that you say it to MY OWN EYE.
Nadhi: To your eye?
Luddee: I think that means he threatened his people that he would know if they spoke up against him.
Nadhi: Did they, Mr.Mutilli!?
Mugambo Mutilli: Except for dat 5 yeah ol boy, no one say bad anything, but dat only because dat boy had bigger gun dan me. But same thing your king do – he see everything you say. Now you get it? It is free spich because is free for da king to see whatever you speek, wherever you speek it.
Luddee: Brother Hasnaad, please tell us about the concept of the “un-altered” Quran.
Brother Hasnaad: Asalaam alaikum dear sister Luddee. Muslims know that the Quran has been un-altered and is in its very original farm.
Nadhi: Form?
Brother Hasnaad: Vat?
Luddee: So you mean everything in the Quran is the word of an omnipresent, omnipotent and omniscient being?
Brother Hasnaad: Yes.
Luddee: And he gets angry, does he? For example, in Noah’s flood.
Brother Hasnaad: It wasn’t Nuh alaysalaam’s flood! It was Allah SWT’s flood! And yes he cursed all life on earth.
Nadhi: Even the moo moo cow and the baa baa sheep?
Brother Hasnaad: Yes! Everything drowned except the ones Nuh alaysalaam took with him on his ship.
Luddee: But what about the fish?
Luddee: So today we have Ms.American Muslimah with us, to share her perspective on people of other faith in the cultural melting pot that is America.
Ms. American Muslimah: You know, I once went to a Hindu restaurant in my hijab… and everyone just stared me. I felt so self conscious!
Luddee: Aw, I feel for you.
Ms. American Muslimah: Oh well. Hindus are weird anyways; did you know that they think if a monkey enters their house, their business will boom!?
Nadhi: hahaha they’re so silly.
Luddee: I’m sure they think the same about the belief in Jinns.
Ms. American Muslimah: *surprised… pauses to think* Well everyone knows Jinns exist.
Silsila Jahilliya 